I got a job. Hell yes. my days of "funemployment" are over for now. well, starting Tuesday.

i didnt have a job for almost exactly 2 months. holy crap. what did i do that whole time? i don't even know.....its all a blur at this point.

all i know is that i feel so much better. its amazing what a little self esteem boost can do for your outlook on life.

i have even been going to the gym, and getting off my lazy unemployed ass.

and i've been making out with a cute little hottie boi-grrl. mmm hmmm....fun.fun.fun.

So, its been forever since i posted on this thing, or even looked at it to keep up with my friends lives. my life has been so crazy in the last 3 months, i dont even know where to start. i find myself questioning my entire existence. I hate that. I love it, and I hate it....it's so confusing, but its what everyone goes through. Its a part of being human. and...being human can completely suck, but supposedly you can come out of it a "better person". i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

In the last 2.5 months I have......officially gotten out of a year plus long relationship a few times after many lesbian like processing moments and poor decision making moments, I have gotten a boot on my car and paid the effing DPT $500 of my hard earned money, I got fired from my job for totally bullshit reasons, my cousin passed away about 70 years ahead of schedule, my laptop broke, I lost my wallet, my car battery died, I threw my back out, my roommate and I were not really getting along, a job I was counting on didnt pan out at a stupid coffee shop, I burned a lot of "professional" bridges, I got into a fight with just about every one of my family members, I think my parents are going to get a divorce, I've totally gained weight and been drinking too much beer. I think that's everything....I might be leaving a few things out though, hard to tell....it all kind of blends together.

I admit, it has sucked lately. royally. BUT, it cant go on forever, and I have great friends who have been there all along the bumpy road. i have 2 interviews next week, my back is starting to feel better, i feel great about being single for the most part, my laptop, car, wallet, and roommate are all alive and well, i'm going to try and rectify some of the bridges i have burned, i'm going to the gym tomorrow, and i'm going to see a movie at 10 am. being unemployed for right now isnt so bad.

you know...i was walking around the mission aimlessly today (which I seem to do a lot of lately) and I was thinking "man, it seems like a lot of people are going through hard times lately, does it go in phases? or are bad things happening all the time to good people, but you only really notice it when your life isnt going so well also? are you oblivious to the bad when you feel good? is life ever perfect?even for just a second?"

when is your heart ever not just a little bit broken? for whatever reason, you know.

i just hope i have some good luck soon. a job, a love/sex life, a fun new distracting hobby. and then i think i will be more fun to hang out with soon.

i have felt like such a waste of space lately, and a total downer. but....i guess everything happens for a reason, right?

cause i'm comin' back. and hopefully better than ever. hopefully.....

by this time tomorrow, I will be in Hawaii with my bestest buddy, getting a tan, and drinking a fruity cocktail for my birthday.

I had the best birthday celebration this last weekend. So many of my friends were there. I felt very loved. Even though I don't exactly remember the last few hours of it all, I'm sure they were awesome.

I am completely smitten over someone that I wish I was smitten over 2 months from now. It all of the sudden feels complicated because of the the fact that both of us just got out of intensly dissapointing relationships. The connection is undeniable. The situation, now seems complicated. What's a girl to do. It's on her turf as far as I'm concerned. But man...I've got it bad for this girl.

I need a vacation. I'm leaving in the morning. I won't see the girl for 2 weeks. I won't see my office for a week. I won't see my roomie, and the dirty dishes. I'll see the beach, and my buddies. Ah....is today over yet???

might have been one of the worst nights in history. I may be a little over dramatic about that statement, but thats what it felt like.

First: I had a 4 hour long processing session with Elena. Let me preface this converstation with the fact that she is getting laid off. She has 30 days to be done with her job, because the company is "getting rid of middle management"...and that is her. She is the only one getting laid off, and she has worked for the company for 6 years. So, instead of hating me...she hates GV and can focus all of her anger at something else besides me. Great.

The 1st hour and a half, she just told me what an asshole I am for sleeping with someone else, and how could I do such a horrible thing, and throw away all of her trust in me, and lie to her, and mislead her....blah, blah, blah. Then, the next hour and a half....she BEGGED for me back. Told me take a blind leap of faith and give her another chance, that she was READY to really jump in and begin a relationship. That she misses me, and doesnt want to be with out me. then she wanted me to come to her house and cuddle and re-connect. The entire time, I held my gound. I told her that I had felt the way she feels right this moment for 9 fucking months, waiting for her to be "sure" and wanting to be with me. and now that the tables have turned, I don't want it anymore because of how much I was hurt before. After 4 hours of processing, I felt like I was going to have a fucking heartattack....and started sobbing harder than I ever have. So, I told her I was sorry but I had to go, and that was that.

Then as I was wandering the streets of downtown, sobbing....I checked my messages and found out that I have a FUCKING BOOT ON MY CAR. WTF?! Who get's a boot on their car??? I was only aware of 2 outstanding tickets.....but apparently I have over 5. I checked online today....it's going to cost me an estimated $495.00 to get the boot off.

Somebody shoot me.

I can't wait to go down to the DPT later, and have my "immediate hearing" so that I can cry to them, and hopefully get some of the tickets removed so I don't have to sell my first born child to get the fucking boot off.

I have a bad cold, I need to start my period before I explode, it's almost Easter and my birthday and my family is in Seattle so my little sister can take a tour of her new school, so I can't even talk to them.

SUCK!!!!!!

NEW NEWS: I just got back from the DPT. I sold my first born child to them but I am now boot free. Elena and I have had amicable conversation so far today, and really....thats all I can ask for.

This last week I:

1. Decided when and pretty much what I want to go back to school for.

2. Ran the accounting department practically by myself while the boss was out of town and got some nice kudos from the company.

3. Made out with 3 people, and had an absolute blast at mango.

4. Had no strings attached sex for the FIRST time in a year and a half.

5. Told elena that I had sex with someone other than her. She got horrifically mad, and told me it's 100% over and that she doesnt want to be friends at all and couldnt believe that I could DO such a thing.

6. I could not feel MORE relieved.

It's finally over. Like ripping a band-aid off.

I mean, I've been trying to break up with her for what feels like months, but nothing seems to work. I seem to get manipulated back into hanging out with her a few days later, and nothing ever changes, and we have never officially been together this whole time anyways. Even though I knew it would hurt her feelings, I knew deep down that it was the only way that I was going to end things. Is it bad that I feel this good about it? I've had this entire month to detach from her, and not really feel like I'm losing much. While she hates me because she claims this month was so great, and that she was really trying to figure out where this relationship was going.

It's been a year. It wasn't going ANYwhere.

It's amazing that I can feel like such a jerk, but feel so free at the same time. I finally did what I wanted, when I wanted, and stood up for myself, and didn't feel bad about it.

ahh...and now, life goes on.

I just got a call from my best friend from high school late last night.

The big news: She's engaged!

The other big news: I'm a bridesmaid.

OMG, this means I have to wear a dress....and not just ANY dress. A bridesmaid dress!!

I'm going on a roadtrip up to Seattle in August for my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party. Looks like I've just added "trying on dresses" to the itinerary.

I don't even rememeber the last time I wore an actual dress. Wait, yes I do. It was 3 years ago for my college graduation when I still had long hair.

AND, get this....the guy she's marrying....these are their names:

Lacey & Lathan.

I'm not even kidding.

To be happy about:

1) I'm going to Hawaii for my birthday with my best friend for 5 days. I can't even wait.

2) I just got taken out to a sushi lunch by some friends of my parents. It's always really nice to eat super expensive food and not have to foot the bill. And I had a bloody mary on my lunch break, he he ...shhhh...don't tell.

3) It's really sunny out, and daylight savings is in T-minus 6 days which means it's only going to get better from here on out.

4) I broke up with elena again. haha. But seriously though, we had some lovely goodbye sex, and the whole thing finally feels ok. talk about longest break up process ever.

5) I just got a couple new bras and some underwear in the mail from good ol' Vicky's secret. AND, they fit.

6) I played flag football for the first time and sacked the quarter back. It's really, really fun.

7) Softball starts soon. yeah!

8) I have gay tumbling class in T-minus 1 hour and 30 min.

AND on a totaly separate note: I got woken up this morning at 5am because I heard yelling, and saw flashlights shining in my room. WTF! So, I peeked out my window, and sure enough there were about 6 cops searching my neighbors empty house down below. The thing is though, I wasn't surprised at all. He's crazy. I think he's a meth head. He'll be outside washing the concrete, no joke with soap and water and a broom, at like 10 at night....or mowing the lawn at odd hours, and cleaning out his car at midnight. And get this! One of the cops was smoking a fucking ciggarette while they were searching the house. Can you do that?! anyhoo....so I decided to open the window and talk to the cops, since I couldn't sleep either way. I asked them what they were doing, and they said they "got a call"...and I said "I'm not surprised, that guy is crazy"...and proceded to tell them about his strange behavior. Then they asked me if I ever heard excessive fighting between him and his wife...and I said, just the usual amount, but they sure don't seem like a happy couple. They said "thanks Ma'am", carried on with their business, and of course I kept spying intently. SO THEN, the guy comes home! And his crazy wife. He refers to her as "his roommate" and she goes balastic saying "I'm his wife damnit! We are legally married, come on, tell them the truth!!I'm his fucking wife!". The cops say that they've been there before, and are going to "keep an eye on him". Then they leave after lots of talking and bullshit from the guy and his "wife", and THEN...of course I hear excessive fighting between the two of them. Throwing things, making ALL kinds of racket. It was the craziest thing I've seen in a while.

So, even though I'm pretty happy about quite a few things, I didn't get much sleep at all last night between the hours of 5 and 6 am. NUTS!

it's amazing what a little tumbling and a handful of gay boys can do for the soul. not only am i nice and sore today from working out for 2 and a half hours, but the boys were nothing but a little ray of sunshine on my gloomy day.

when i showed up they said "so?? how's the break up going?? did you stick with it?you doing ok??"....and I said "well, i had a minor moment of relapse, but i stuck to my guns and its really over now"....

and they said "good, cause last week when you werent here, well....we were all talking about you. we all think that you are really cool, and you don't deserve to be with someone who isnt going to treat you wonderfully. we are all really proud of you for sticking with it."

how cute is that?!

thanks guys, for making my night!

i feel a little bit better today. and at least the sun is out for the morning.

sidenote: I can hear elena in the room behind me talking to her friend. she is saying that she has a cold again, doesnt feel well, and that she is doing "o.k."....she sounds fairly sad and pathetic. OY. seeing someone at work everyday makes it really hard to forget about them.

The rainy day blues.

Isn't it quite ironic that the acronym for the Seasonal Affective Disorder is SAD??Do you think the doctors planned it that way?? They sat around a table and thought "What's the easiest way to describe people who get bogged down by all the rain?? I know! How about SAD??" Genius really.

I'm not sure what it is....my recent far from easy break up, the days of rain, the mountains of work that I have to do, recently seeing my family and feeling homesick, feeling like my friends are MIA.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

I just got back from LA. Literally, we got back around 2am last night. I'm exhaused...but;

It was a PERFECT trip.

I spent the weekend at a beach house in Malibu. My phone had no reception, I had no problems with that. I went jogging on the beach, I ate great food, I drank a TON of beer and expensive tequila, and best of all I got to hang with my most awesome family.

Next best thing...I got to hook up with a chick. Oh yes. My friend michelle, who I've slept with before a couple years ago, came with my friend Debbie to the beach house. I wasted no time hitting on her. She looked so HOT. We ended up making out down on the beach, on a lawn chair....under a covered area while it was pouring rain. SURREAL is a good word to describe it. We didn't have sex, but it was enough to make the trip awesome, as well as boost my confidence enough to get back out there!

I'm having a 'talk' with Elena again tomorrow. A sort of "post break up check in". Ugh, I hope it goes ok. I hate that I still really want to have sex with her. I can be strong! I feel good about it all though....

What I really feel good about though is this weekend.